19 May 2011

May 19, 2011

This is all incredibly important and not the least bit made up.

I stopped at Tom Thumb to buy a flower for Janessa, (this was maybe two weeks ago) The flower was light purple, like it had been dipped in water-color, and I bought it at a regular register because the florist was off doing other things. There was an older woman buying groceries in front of me, and when I put the flower down on the conveyor belt, the older woman said, “For me?” And I did what I was supposed to do and said, “Yes,” because I knew the woman wanted me to play along and I usually don’t have a problem playing along. Then I said, “It’s the least I could do.” And the woman nodded and said, “After what you did, you should buy me a flower every day for the rest of my life.” She wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, this woman, and after she said that she took her groceries and walked away without even smiling to acknowledge we’d just played a game. I wondered what had happened to her.

I’m always doing that. I’m always looking for people’s wedding rings. I want to know they aren’t lonely. But I guess that’s silly: to think someone would of course be lonely if they weren’t married, or of course be happy if they were.

I can’t believe I think that.

One time I forgot my wallet, so instead of stopping at the store, I picked wildflowers from the median. But then I had this thought that maybe picking wildflowers was illegal, like shooting the state bird or draining the wetlands, so I ripped one out the ground and ran back to my car like I’d just robbed a bank.

I have a lot of time to make up for. If a day goes unrecorded, does it go unlived? Do we bring meaning to things by wondering about them?

We were watching this show called obsessed where psychologists help people overcome their compulsions. This one guy was working out like 12 times a day: three times before work, 6 times after work, and however many more times during the day. He thought if he worked out enough he would never die.

Maybe our fear of failure is the very thing that ensures our success. Or maybe “ensure” isn’t quite the right word here.

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