23 March 2011

March 23, 2011

I think theology is one of the only subjects where everybody can act like an expert and everyone else just accepts it. People don’t walk around pretending to be doctors, pretending to be mathematicians, pretending to be historians. But everyone is a theologian. Pretty much at least.

It’s really hard to take criticism. Some people say they value it, but they don’t. I’m one of them. The only reason I say I value it is so I know people aren’t hiding things. It just gets exhausting, though, the feedback. You want people to love the things you make for them.

I accidentally showed up to something an hour early today, so I sat in my car and read. It was the best part of my day.

It might be possible to shove enough busyness into your life that it holds itself up like a bunch of sticks in a bottle. It strangely gets easier.

I’m coming to terms with being wrong. Just accepting that I probably am. It’s such a relief.

I’d like to cut out all the boring bits. I’d like to cut out all the things that turn my stomach. I’d like to cut out all the make believe, all the “know that I know that I know”. I’d like to get down to something that doesn’t take so much imagination.

Just to be clear, I haven’t lost my belief in God. I’ve lost my belief in belief.

But maybe this is getting too personal, like the first days of xanga when parents couldn’t believe the things their children were posting. “For the whole world to see!” they cried, as if their children had no idea. “Just out there for anyone to find!” as if that wasn’t the point all along. Parents thought their kids didn’t realize, had no idea. Parents thought their kids were the naive ones.

But this really isn’t personal at all, this blog. This hadn’t even begun to get personal. This is idea talk. Theology. This is all stuff you could go read in a book right now. It’s not like I’m coming up with these ideas on my own.

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