21 Feb 2011

February 22, 2011

I’ve been thinking about doubt and being alive and dirt and everything. The fact that we live on a planet and that we have sex and that we wear our shoes until they fill with water. I’ve been thinking about the way that jeans turn white before they fray. I’ve been thinking about all of life as a tragedy, because it is, mostly. People die. And things don’t last.

Sometimes the things that are supposed to bring us the most comfort bring us the most pain. They remind us of what we don’t want to admit. That certain things we’ve been told are lies.

I’ve heard that people who lose a lot of weight can suffer severe depression. They thought it was the weight that was keeping them from being happy.

I used to admire faith but now I admire doubt. They warned me about this.

I keep thinking about something the director of Blue Valentine said. He was talking about how there are rarely good reasons for why things happen. Things hardly ever make sense. Conflict is rarely so simple. I keep thinking about how complex it all is, how our lives aren’t really anything like stories.

I don’t mean this to be as depressing as it sounds. I find it all liberating. You can’t wake someone who is pretending to be asleep.

 

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