August 31, 2009

I’ve been trying to be a more interesting person.  It’s not really working.  I bought this very artsy journal, with pages that were handmade in Nepal or somewhere, and a cover that looks like hemp or something. I wrote a page in it but then cut that page out because it made the journal less interesting than it was when it was blank.

I have this problem, see, that when I try hard at something it usually sucks.  My most brilliant moments are handed to me from the puppeteers when there’s just enough pressure to keep me involved.  It keeps me humble, I guess, but it’s also pretty lame.  I know people that are just brilliantly creative; they call people “cats” and draw pictures that are sloppy but somehow really good at the same time.  I like people like that, but I don’t think I’ll ever be one of them.  All of my attempts at creativity are painfully self-aware, like that kid who tries to be cute when he’s just a little too old. I keep looking over my shoulder to see if people are laughing at my jokes.

I’ve been battling self-awareness since like 2006.  I think it’s a winning battle, but admittedly slow.  I think at some point I’ll just forget I exist completely, and then I will have won.  But, until then, I can really get on my nerves.

I think the real problem is that the Nepalese journal is just too cool.  It’s intimidating.  It’s simply un-improvable at my present level of interestingness.  I gotta give myself time, work up to it – there’s nothing wrong with floaties when no one is watching.  I picked up some spiral notebooks at walmart the other day for 45cents.  That’s where I’ll start, I’ll loose myself in the spiral, I’ll be interesting, I’ll observe things!  I’ll paste things in!  I’ll cut things out!  It’s gonna be great.


2 Responses to “SPIRAL”

  1. Joel Says:

    This is a cool blog post. I don’t care if you were trying or not.

    You’re far more interesting than you give yourself credit for. You might argue that I don’t know you well enough to say that, but I’d argue right back.

  2. Gabriel Says:

    Ha! Yeas, I had to quit buying fancy journals, too. I never wrote in them. Always felt that I needed to be writing something _profound_. I’m not intimidated by a $.70 spiral. 🙂

    And all this “I’m not a very interesting person” or “I wish I was one of those guys where music just flows out of them” — you are either fishing for a complement or else you have no clue about how others see you. For the record: You are on a very short list of “the most interesting people I know” and “wish I could be a musician like him” and “I wish I had his mojo.” 🙂

    Sorry, you missed the cut for “Prettiest women.”

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